watch my face as I pretend to feel no pain

I’m coming back from the dead and I’ll take you home with me
I’m taking back the life you stole

This hole you put me in 
wasn’t deep enough 
and I’m climbing out right now 
you’re running out of places to hide from me

Oh God, these lyrics here:

“and if you want to know the moment 
i knew that i was still alone
i found i never learned your number 
i only stored it in my phone
you’d think by now
id know the shape of calling home”

Love<3

i have a serious problem.

This is the second time in the past week I have woke up crying. Something is going on. I can feel it in my bones. The signs lead to you, but I can’t help but feel like its leading to me instead. I haven’t dreamt of you in a long time, and for you to come back into my brain for two nightmares seems like too much. In a week I should know, especially if its me. and if its you then you’d know by now…but deep down I think I already know. Just like last time. FUCK.

This was the breaking point. The last sign. The last piece of my sanity. If its true, I will admit myself to a mental institution. No doubt. And thats why I can’t sleep. I don’t want to face it when I sleep. And wtf is up with Red Robin? I guess I really want some? I don’t know… but what I do know is that this is too much for my brain right now. Maybe thats why I’ve been so quiet recently. This feeling, knowing, it really gets to me. And I don’t even want to know. I’d rather stay out of this one. Instead I find myself being fucking Gatsby, saving everyones fucking ass when they really don’t deserve it, looking like a fool in love. Thats how I acted in my dream, and I can’t even believe it.

I’ve only told one person about this first dream, and that was a mistake. I swear you can’t tell this girl anything because she doesn’t get it. Its so simple to her, she doesn’t know what a real relationship is because she’s never been in one. She doesn’t know what it feels like to be so in love that you go insane. So bringing this to her was a huge mistake, she doesn’t seem to grasp the idea of truly having a bestfriend/lover. So since that little fiasco I’ve decided to keep the details to myself. 

But I know I have to let it out somehow, and being completely vague seems like the best idea.

I can’t keep running from this. But I don’t want to find out for sure either. It will eventually come out. But the question is…Do I want to find out and face heartache, heartbreak, and mental instability? Or do I want to avoid it and put off the heartache, heartbreak, and mental instability till I have to?

I mean, when I found out the first half, I’ll admit that I couldn’t breathe. It definitely struck a blow. But he picked me up and put me on my feet and told me to get through it, so I did. And I’ve accepted it. But this, will put me in the crazy house, given our past experiences. I will seriously die. on the outside I’ll look normal, but on the inside i’ll be dead, a worthless piece of flesh. Please don’t do this to me. Please don’t be true. Please Please Please, let me get what I want. (this time)